Like Totally OMG!

In case some of you have been living under a rock and not realize what today is, let me inform you...it's the release of the movie Twilight. To say that I don't give a flying rat's keister about it would be an understatement. I may be the only thirtysomething female reader in the US who hasn't read all fortysevenfrillion pages of the Twilight saga, nor do I ever plan to. I don't like vampires. I don't like to read about vampires. I especially don't like to read about teenaged angst related love stories between humans and vampires.

I am sure the stories are probably riveting and well-written. The author is no doubt talented, and kudos to her for picking a genre that has not been oversaturated and adding her own creative twist. But still...vampires do nothing for me. (If you really want to get me to read your books, create a hero who does dishes, not sucks blood.)

And yet, even though I care not about this movie and never plan to read the books or rent the DVDs, I know all about it. Why, you ask? Because the print, web, and television media has TwilightOverloadSyndrome and cannot seem to report on anything else for several weeks running. I cannot escape this thing. There is nowhere for me to hide, nowhere for me to get my news, nowhere for me to watch some mindnumbing television for a few hours where I am not exposed to commercials for this movie. And it's getting old...

One of my friends is a complete Twilight freak. I love her, but she has gone completely overboard on this thing. She started reading the first book, and by the end of five days, had read all of them...staying awake into the wee hours of the morning, and rising early just to get through the books as fast as she could, then going into withdrawals when she couldn't find the next book in the series for a day or two. I have been subjected to hours long discussions of what happened in this book, and then this is how this one ended, and then Edward did this but he doesn't like being a vampire and then Bella told her dad this, and then the other vampire relatives did this and blahbittyblahblahblah someone kill me now. (wait, I added that last bit myself.) When she found out the release date of the movie, the first thing she did was confirm with her inlaws that they would be able to take the kids that night so she and her husband could attend the premier. Again, I love her, but she's a freak.

So being the complete smartkeister that I am, I left the following message on her voicemail just a bit ago:

(highpitched teen fangirl voice screaming hysterically voice) "OHMYGOSH THE TWILIGHT PREMIER IS TONIGHT AND I TOTALLY CANT WAIT BECAUSE EDWARD! WE GET TO SEE EDWARD AND HE'S SO COOL AND HOT AT THE SAME TIME AND ALL KINDSA VAMPIREY EVEN THOUGH HE LOOKS LIKE HE COMBED HIS HAIR WITH A PORKCHOP AND HE LOVES BELLA AND SHE'S SO CONFUSED AND IT'S ALL SO COOL AND AWEWSOME AND EDDDDDWAAAAAAAAARDDDDDDD!!!!!...actually, it's just me calling to wish you a happy movie night. And try to remember that Edward is a character and not a real live person and that it would be very unseemly for you as a thirty seven year old mother of two to rush the big screen and attempt to kiss him, mkay?"

Just doing my little part to make the world a happier place, people.