Friday, January 30, 2009

And then my brain exploded... I can only write in half thoughts and incomplete sentences with no clear point. (I heard you thinking "What else is new?" I do not appreciate that.)
My drama, in number-ic form, for your laughing/crying/cringing pleasure:

1. Received Barnes and Noble e-gift certificate for my birthday. (thanks, Geanne!)
2. Ordered "Robin to the Rescue" by Robin Miller on December 13. (Robin, call me! I want to be your new BFF!)
3. Assumed order would arrive within 5-7 days due to Christmas mail overload.
4. Enjoyed Christmas, ate lots of food, forgot about book...
5. Came down off sugar high day after Christmas, wanted to know what interesting thing to do with leftovers, remembered book.
6. Looked up tracking information on package through B&N, who linked me through to
7. Brain still intact.
8. Website indicates UPS delivered book to my address on 12/17. Asked Husband and Son if they saw said book and put it aside during Christmas influx of family. Received negative responses.
9. Emailed UPS, stating package not received, please check into this for me thankyouverymuch.
10. UPS emails me back, stating package was delivered, did I think to look all around my porch and ask other family members?
11. UPS thinks I am a moron, apparently. I email back stating that yeah, did that, and still no book, could you please check into this for me?
12. UPS emails back, we delivered package, see it says so right there on the screen and computer screens don't lie, are you sure that an elephant didn't eat it and it's all your fault and not ours?
13. I call UPS and speak to a real live person. Give her the gist of the problem, can she please check this out for me?
14. Real Live Person asks me did I look all over my porch and ask all my family members?
15. I think UPS staffers are morons.
16. I reply that yep, covered that, still no book.
17. RLP replies that the computer indicates the package was delivered. See it says so right there. Package was delivered.
18. The bleeding from my eye sockets begin.
19. I calmly state that no matter what her computer says, I still do not have my book. I again state that there is alot of new construction on my street and in the surrounding area, is it possible it got left at another house?
20. Long pause from RLP. Then well the computer says it was delivered...more long pause.
21. I am starting to get a wee bit testy at this point. I ask RLP what she thinks should be done at this point, seeing as how I don't have the book, never had the book, and it has not magically appeared at any time during this phone call.
22. More long pauses from RLP. Put on hold for long time while RLP talks to Real Live Supervisor. RLP comes back to tell me that there is not much they can do about it seeing as how their driver indicated it was delivered.
23. RLP then suggests maybe I could initiate a disputed package report? I thought that's what I was doing. Apparently I did not speak the correct magic phrase to get that ball rolling. RLP then suggest that I contact the Sender, which is B&N. Maybe they know where the package is.
24. Yes, I was thinking exactly what you are right now.
25. I asked RLP how B&N would know where the package was since they are merely the merchant, and they contract with UPS to do the ACTUAL SHIPPING.
26. Ended call before threats were issued and police was called.
27. Initiated Code Red Alpha Bravo Foxtrot Dog in the Manger Report through in hopes they can investigate where my package might be.
28. Call B&N and relate my story and my problem to a very sympathetic Velma who promises me it will be looked into from their end.

Ten days later.....
29. Get call from pre-pubescent employee at UPS to inform me that they will be contacting me within the next ten days to let me know the results of their investigation.

Two days after that...
30. UPS driver appears at my door with official computerized clipboard thingie. Asks me what the problem is. I inform him the problem is that I never received my book. Informs me that the computer states it was delivered. See right here. I inform him that I really don't care what the computer says, I still don't have my book. He says how that is just so strange because the computer says it was delivered.
31. UPS driver lucky I didn't have any weapons handy.
32. UPS driver says UPS still doing an investigation and will let me know when they hear something.

Two weeks after that....
33. Still no call or email from UPS, who has now failed to act on their own deadline that they promised me for resolution of this matter.
34. Contemplate sending stink bomb to UPS headquarters to show my displeasure. Realize I will have to ship it FedEx to be sure they get it. Decide jail time not worth making this point.

Last week...
35. Call B&N myself. Explain problem. Ask what they intend to do about situation. Speak with very nice man named Michael who takes down my number and promises to call me back.
36. Michael calls me back WITHIN FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FIRST CALL and asks me do I still want my book? (No, Michael. I just have no life. There is no point to my empty days, so I fill them by calling online merchants and complaining. I really don't want the book, all this is just a cry for attention. Hold me!) Says that they are oh so sorry that this happened to me and that UPS is not meeting my needs. Because Michael realizes I have needs! I need to get my book! They are sending me the exact same book again right away, and aren't I lucky it's in stock right now? I should have it within five days.

This week...
37. UPS tries to deliver my book on Wednesday. No one home, leaves note on the door that they will try again Thursday sometime between 10-2. Michael must have told them I have no life and would be happy to sit around during my busiest part of the day to wait for their delivery.
38. They arrive during the 1.5 hour time period no one was home on Thursday, leave another note. They will try again between 10-2 on Friday, but that is their third and Final Attempt.
39. I call UPS and ask if they can please leave the package at my local UPS store, and I will be happy to pick it up there.
40. Am informed by Real Live Snotty Stupid Girl that all UPS stores are franchises and packages CANNOT be left there!!! Of course they can't be left there. What was I thinking?
41. RLSSG says package can be left at the local UPS hub for me. Great, where is the hub? Only 20 miles from where I live.
42. Have.Had.It.
43. I calmly inform her that I realize she has had absolutely nothing to do with the current drama I find myself in, but does she honestly think that I should have to drive 20 miles in order to get a package that UPS should have left on the correct doorstep over a month and a half ago?
44. RLSSG hangs up on me. I kid you not.
45. UPS happens to deliver package at 1:30 today. Good thing, because in another half hour, they would have been late and I would be forced to leave a snotty note on their door. UPS driver is same one who came to interview the suspect, I mean ask me questions, last month. Gives me loads of attitude while handing me the package. Because he found me out. I am so running a scam. I actually have the first book in my house, but I just went through all that time and effort to get a new one because I am all Bernie Madoff like that. Do you know the street value of this cookbook, Mr UPS Man? I bet you do. And now I can keep a copy and sell a copy, all because I am pulling a big hairy scam on UPS and B&N and the taxpayers of America, all over A FREAKING COOKBOOK!! Good thing you are on the case! We need more drivers like you!
46. Brain hurts. But cookbook is soooo pretty.
47. Writes long rambling post with way too much detail and way too many numbers and really I cannot make myself care that your eyes are bleeding now too. I just want you to share my pain. And frustration. Hold Me?


Robyn said...


Sort of makes you want to stab them with that brown sharpie the guy uses on that white eraseboard in their ads, don't it?

michellewillingham said...

Oh, for the love of Pete. I think I would be writing some letters to UPS corporate headquarters. They do get mystery-shopped, you know? Sounds like your local group has some issues. You might want to go above them and use names and dates and times...bwahahaha..

But that's just me. 'Cuz I'm evil and all that.

StarvingWriteNow said...

oh dear. and over a book, a small little package of all things... (excessive eye rolling ensues for you)

I went around with Fedex before Christmas because they delivered a lawnmmower and it wasn't on my step like the tracking page said it was (and at 65 pounds, that's a helluva package to miss, you know?). Turns out the driver was being nice and put the box behind my house so it couldn't be seen from the street... a swell thing to do but unfortunately there's no space on the tracking page for "put box behind the house to discourage theft" or whatever. Two hours and several bouts of aggravation later, Son discovered the package and all was well.

Stephanie said...

THAT was really f-ing funny. I laughed out loud - numerous times. Today, I wrote something funny, too. In fact, I think I will post it on my damned blog because I thought it was so darned funny. So you go read it. And yes, I think you COULD sue a company just for annoying the living sh_t out of you. Espcially ones like UPS. Do you know that there was a real case against UPS because they would not accommodate an employee's irritable bowel sydrome and forced him to drive on these long routes where he would have to uh, reLIEVE himself, on the side of the road? They are evil, I tell you. I love FedEx. You are a funny writer. Thanks for being the only person who still comes to see me on my blog. xoxo