Takin One for the Team

Current location: A lovely dining room, overlooking a pool, golf course, and beautiful changing trees in the lake country of Wisconsin.

Current mood: Happy and caffeinated.

Current reason for being in current location and current mood: Attending a conference for work and lots of coffee.

Current surprising facts: Managed to get myself from Chicago O'Hare Airport up to said lake country without getting lost. In fact, stopped along the way for lunch, shopping, and wonderful conversation with some of the nicest people ever.

Current plan: Getting ready to go set up our exhibit booth for the conference. Will then probably drive down to quaint little lake town for some shopping for Mother's Day presents and other goodies. Possibly lunch at another lovely dining room overlooking another lake. And maybe to blog more later. Who knows? The possibilities are endless.

Current thing I need to do but maybe won't and certainly don't want to: Go work out in the resort's state of the art health facility.

Life is hard, my friends. Life is hard...

Because You Care...

Sometimes, I wonder why I blog.

I don't consider my life particularly blog-worthy, as nothing much out of the ordinary seems to happen. If my blog were a food, it would be Wonder Bread. If my blog were a beverage, it would be a two-liter Diet Coke that gets put back into the fridge after SOMEONE else in the house opens it, drinks half, then doesn't screw the lid on tight. If my blog were a movie, it would be a Lifetime Original...only without a plot, good acting, or costume changes. If my blog were a medicine, it would be Tylenol PM. If my blog were an article of clothing, it would be the the ratty flip-flops in the back of the closet. Not quite horrible enough to throw away, but definitely not cute enough to continue wearing.


And yet still, I blog.


Maybe because it's cheaper than therapy. Maybe because I don't want to have yet another item on my list of Things I Have Started With Great Intentions but in Reality, I Suck At. (see Body Jam Class, Dieting, Keeping Mouth Shut, et all). Maybe because blogging keeps me in the game of writing, and giving up on it would mean the last nail in the coffin of my dream to write my own book. Maybe I just want to guilt all of you whose blogs I read and comment on to keep coming back here, even though you are thinking, "If she posts one more stupid rambling story, then gives us a picture of her kid, like that's supposed to make it all better, I am going to scream!"


Whatever the reason, I will continue to blog. Because I do like it. When I remember. (darn you, Facebook!)


In other news: I am currently waiting in the only sit-down restaurant in the Orange County airport for my flight, which was supposed to leave twenty minutes ago, but is instead leaving in about two hours. I really don't care when it leaves, as long as I get to see my familia tonight. I have been in California working since Sunday afternoon, and am more than ready to be home. The weather here has been pretty cold. I think that is a total rip, because I LEFT COLD in Idaho. Here it is supposed to be sunny and allow me to work on my tan at the hotel pool when I am done with my job for the day. It's the law!

My next business trip is in four weeks to Chicago. I am really looking forward to that one, as it will be my first solo business trip and conference. Now if I can only lose about 75 lbs before then....

Actually, on the weight loss front, things are going well. I am into week three of The Belly Fat Cure by Jorge Cruise, and am loving it. At last, I have found something that I can do, not feel deprived, eat normal food, and still lose weight. At last measurement, I have lost about three inches off my waist in three weeks. I was down almost five pounds before my trip, but we will see what the scale has to say when I get home. I usually always gain at least 2 lbs on a business trip, even when I eat right and work out every day. Something to do with the space/time continuum and a train leaving Boston at the same time a car leaves Jersey and the fact that some of my favorite restaurants in the world are right by my hotel. Or something. I forget.


I hope that you all are enjoying Spring and have a great Easter if I don't blog before then--which I may not, seeing as how much of my time this next week will be spent peeling an almost four year old gremlin off me (where she attaches herself as soon as I get home) and celebrating our 17th wedding anniversary on Friday. Go, Us! And they said it wouldn't last....

'Member me?

Hey, gang. How all y'all been? Sorry for being MIA for so long. Does it seem to anyone besides me that Facebook is like blogging for lazy people? It is so much easier to update my status with a quick one-liner than actually take the time to type sentences with subjects and verbs and stuff.

As you probably could tell by my previous post, I spent some time in the Big Apple recently for a business trip. I did get to take in some sights while there, and unfortunately, spend way too much money on souvenirs for the family. After spending a few days in NYC, my company sent me to Philadelphia for some more client meetings. Philly is so rich in history and really stirred this American's heart. However, some parts of Philly are just downright scary. And that is all I have to say about that.

One great side benny of my trip to New York was meeting my friend Geanne in person for the first time. We met on a WW chatroom site about a year and a half ago, and she has turned into one of the best friends I've ever had. I was a little worried about how we would get along in person...would she like me as much? Would she think I was stupid or too goofy or just plain weird? Well, I shouldn't have worried at all. We had such a fun time! We ate at a wonderful little restaurant in Little Italy, then shopped for goodies in Times Square. The next day, we went to the WTC site, which for me was just as moving the second time I'd seen it as it was the first. We then walked down to Wall Street, then onto the 17th Street Seaport. From there, we took a cab back to Madison Avenue for still more shopping. We finished off our day with lunch in Chinatown--can I tell you Chinatown was not what I expected? I guess I was thinking it would be more, oh I don't know, CHINESE in nature...I was hoping for a bit more culture and all I got was very short Asian ladies chasing me down the sidewalk yelling, "You want puhse? (purse) I got Looeeey (Louis Vuitton), I got Dooney! How 'bout moobies? You lika watch moobies? (movies, not something else, you freak.) I got DeeBeeDees!"

I was sad to see her leave..my friend Geanne, not the Asian lady. I was glad to see her leave...the Asian lady, not my friend. Anyway, seeing my friend really made my trip, and we are planning to have another girl's weekend the next time I get to NYC.

Okay, here's a question for all of you...have you ever been told you look like a celebrity? I will do you one better..have you ever been told you look like a celebrity's neighbor? Yeah, I didn't think so. Anyway, I am on the flight to NYC in first class (which the airline did on their own, I normally don't get to fly first class anywhere) and the steward in the cabin told me that the way I was dressed, he assumed I was a native New Yorker and could be "Kelly Ripa's neighbor!" Um. Okay. How does one respond to that? "Oh, is Kelly Ripa's neighbor an overweight middle aged mother of two? Great!" And y'all? I was not dressed up. I had on embellished jeans and a plain sweater from Coldwater Creek, and shoes and jewelry courtesy of a very exclusive shop I like to call Kohl's (perhaps you've heard of it?) It was not my finest hour. But maybe first class attendants are told to compliment the passengers? Not sure, but I really did enjoy my time as one of the chosen few. On the return flights, I was forced to sit behind the veil with the unwashed masses, lamenting my loss of an actual person-sized seat and a nice warm meal.

The trip was about six days total, and believe you me, by the end of that time I was so missing my family. My husband and son missed me too, but my daughter? She was just mainly concerned that I bring her a present. Every phone call began with, "hey, Mommy, you got me dat gerrprize (surprise) yet?" We are not going to discuss all Mommy had to go through to get that certain gerrprize, because Mommy hasn't quite recovered from that yet.

On another completely unrelated note (because really? All my posts are completely unrelated notes), we have to move AGAIN at the end of this month. The house we are currently leasing has went into foreclosure and we have to be out by April 1st. We had placed an offer on the house, the bank in their wisdom decided that no, in this bad economy we want more! and if we can't have more, we will let the house go vacant instead of getting this bad debt off our books! We found another house within walking distance of my son's school in a very nice neighborhood, so that is a blessing. It's just the moving. The moooovvvvving! I hate the moving! Another nice note is that the house is not even a half mile from here, so we can just move carloads of stuff over very easily, then worry about the big stuff...and there is plenty of big stuff... The house we are going to has the exact same floor plan as this one, so I will be able to empty one cabinet and immediately unpack it to the corresponding cabinet in the new house. That is a biggie for an organizational freak like me.

Now it is time for me to head to the gym...a place I haven't been to nigh onto three weeks. My energy level and waistline confirm my long absence.

If you are on Facebook and would like to friend me, look me up. I am obviously not listing my info here, but if you know me enough to know my info, then you know me enough to be my fb friend. Have a good one, y'all!

p.s. what celebrities do you resemble? People have told me I remind them of the following: Marie Osmond, Rachael Ray, Valerie Bertinelli, Pam Tillis (that one I don't get), and Natalie Wood. Oh, yeah, and Kelly Ripa's neighbor.

I shall call this one Ode to Robyn

Since she can't be here with me enjoying the "Storm of the Season," I am presenting her with the next best thing...

and finally....

Why Mothers Have Gray Hair...

A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillowthat was addressed to Mom. With the worst premonition she opened theenvelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...... Mom, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading itwith the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

Thanks, Betty, for the laugh! Y'all have a great weekend. The fam and I are off on a road trip to visit my mom for the long holiday weekend...Six hours in a car with kids who like to fight--y'all pray!

And then my brain exploded...

...so I can only write in half thoughts and incomplete sentences with no clear point. (I heard you thinking "What else is new?" I do not appreciate that.)

My drama, in number-ic form, for your laughing/crying/cringing pleasure:

1. Received Barnes and Noble e-gift certificate for my birthday. (thanks, Geanne!)
2. Ordered "Robin to the Rescue" by Robin Miller on December 13. (Robin, call me! I want to be your new BFF!)
3. Assumed order would arrive within 5-7 days due to Christmas mail overload.
4. Enjoyed Christmas, ate lots of food, forgot about book...
5. Came down off sugar high day after Christmas, wanted to know what interesting thing to do with leftovers, remembered book.
6. Looked up tracking information on package through B&N, who linked me through to UPS.com.
7. Brain still intact.
8. Website indicates UPS delivered book to my address on 12/17. Asked Husband and Son if they saw said book and put it aside during Christmas influx of family. Received negative responses.
9. Emailed UPS, stating package not received, please check into this for me thankyouverymuch.
10. UPS emails me back, stating package was delivered, did I think to look all around my porch and ask other family members?
11. UPS thinks I am a moron, apparently. I email back stating that yeah, did that, and still no book, could you please check into this for me?
12. UPS emails back, we delivered package, see it says so right there on the screen and computer screens don't lie, are you sure that an elephant didn't eat it and it's all your fault and not ours?
13. I call UPS and speak to a real live person. Give her the gist of the problem, can she please check this out for me?
14. Real Live Person asks me did I look all over my porch and ask all my family members?
15. I think UPS staffers are morons.
16. I reply that yep, covered that, still no book.
17. RLP replies that the computer indicates the package was delivered. See it says so right there. Package was delivered.
18. The bleeding from my eye sockets begin.
19. I calmly state that no matter what her computer says, I still do not have my book. I again state that there is alot of new construction on my street and in the surrounding area, is it possible it got left at another house?
20. Long pause from RLP. Then well the computer says it was delivered...more long pause.
21. I am starting to get a wee bit testy at this point. I ask RLP what she thinks should be done at this point, seeing as how I don't have the book, never had the book, and it has not magically appeared at any time during this phone call.
22. More long pauses from RLP. Put on hold for long time while RLP talks to Real Live Supervisor. RLP comes back to tell me that there is not much they can do about it seeing as how their driver indicated it was delivered.
23. RLP then suggests maybe I could initiate a disputed package report? I thought that's what I was doing. Apparently I did not speak the correct magic phrase to get that ball rolling. RLP then suggest that I contact the Sender, which is B&N. Maybe they know where the package is.
24. Yes, I was thinking exactly what you are right now.
25. I asked RLP how B&N would know where the package was since they are merely the merchant, and they contract with UPS to do the ACTUAL SHIPPING.
26. Ended call before threats were issued and police was called.
27. Initiated Code Red Alpha Bravo Foxtrot Dog in the Manger Report through UPS.com in hopes they can investigate where my package might be.
28. Call B&N and relate my story and my problem to a very sympathetic Velma who promises me it will be looked into from their end.


Ten days later.....
29. Get call from pre-pubescent employee at UPS to inform me that they will be contacting me within the next ten days to let me know the results of their investigation.

Two days after that...
30. UPS driver appears at my door with official computerized clipboard thingie. Asks me what the problem is. I inform him the problem is that I never received my book. Informs me that the computer states it was delivered. See right here. I inform him that I really don't care what the computer says, I still don't have my book. He says how that is just so strange because the computer says it was delivered.
31. UPS driver lucky I didn't have any weapons handy.
32. UPS driver says UPS still doing an investigation and will let me know when they hear something.


Two weeks after that....
33. Still no call or email from UPS, who has now failed to act on their own deadline that they promised me for resolution of this matter.
34. Contemplate sending stink bomb to UPS headquarters to show my displeasure. Realize I will have to ship it FedEx to be sure they get it. Decide jail time not worth making this point.

Last week...
35. Call B&N myself. Explain problem. Ask what they intend to do about situation. Speak with very nice man named Michael who takes down my number and promises to call me back.
36. Michael calls me back WITHIN FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FIRST CALL and asks me do I still want my book? (No, Michael. I just have no life. There is no point to my empty days, so I fill them by calling online merchants and complaining. I really don't want the book, all this is just a cry for attention. Hold me!) Says that they are oh so sorry that this happened to me and that UPS is not meeting my needs. Because Michael realizes I have needs! I need to get my book! They are sending me the exact same book again right away, and aren't I lucky it's in stock right now? I should have it within five days.

This week...
37. UPS tries to deliver my book on Wednesday. No one home, leaves note on the door that they will try again Thursday sometime between 10-2. Michael must have told them I have no life and would be happy to sit around during my busiest part of the day to wait for their delivery.
38. They arrive during the 1.5 hour time period no one was home on Thursday, leave another note. They will try again between 10-2 on Friday, but that is their third and Final Attempt.
39. I call UPS and ask if they can please leave the package at my local UPS store, and I will be happy to pick it up there.
40. Am informed by Real Live Snotty Stupid Girl that all UPS stores are franchises and packages CANNOT be left there!!! Of course they can't be left there. What was I thinking?
41. RLSSG says package can be left at the local UPS hub for me. Great, where is the hub? Only 20 miles from where I live.
42. Have.Had.It.
43. I calmly inform her that I realize she has had absolutely nothing to do with the current drama I find myself in, but does she honestly think that I should have to drive 20 miles in order to get a package that UPS should have left on the correct doorstep over a month and a half ago?
44. RLSSG hangs up on me. I kid you not.
45. UPS happens to deliver package at 1:30 today. Good thing, because in another half hour, they would have been late and I would be forced to leave a snotty note on their door. UPS driver is same one who came to interview the suspect, I mean ask me questions, last month. Gives me loads of attitude while handing me the package. Because he found me out. I am so running a scam. I actually have the first book in my house, but I just went through all that time and effort to get a new one because I am all Bernie Madoff like that. Do you know the street value of this cookbook, Mr UPS Man? I bet you do. And now I can keep a copy and sell a copy, all because I am pulling a big hairy scam on UPS and B&N and the taxpayers of America, all over A FREAKING COOKBOOK!! Good thing you are on the case! We need more drivers like you!
46. Brain hurts. But cookbook is soooo pretty.

47. Writes long rambling post with way too much detail and way too many numbers and really I cannot make myself care that your eyes are bleeding now too. I just want you to share my pain. And frustration. Hold Me?

Things I Learned in 2008...

1. Missouri Sucks.

2. Things are never as bad as you think they will be...they are either better or much, much worse.

3. Chicago is still my favorite city to visit.

4. My son has incredible insight for someone so young.

5. There is a direct link between hearing a tornado siren and needing to pee.

6. Some people are truly called to be doctors and nurses.

7. It is possible to fall in love with your husband all over again with just one look.

8. The roster of my true friends has dropped a few and gained a few, and that's okay.

9. What's gone on before is not nearly as important as what's going on now.

10. It is possible to actually feel your heart growing larger when your baby girl says, "Mommy, I yuv you so much!"